


Life isn't a Glazed Wonder

by Yotsubadancesintherain5



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Blood, Gen, Humor, Short Chapters, That is not a typo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-21
Packaged: 2018-08-30 08:18:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8525632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yotsubadancesintherain5/pseuds/Yotsubadancesintherain5
Summary: The life and times of Akemi Hamura.





	1. Everything Smells like Dinner at Grandma's

Madoka had thought that her dream was weird enough, with a doll-like monster grown to the side of a skyscraper, a cat-like creature telling her all her wishes could come true and a ham yelling at her while being tossed around by the doll-like monster.

But the ham was right here, a transfer student. She had written her name on the board (how? how had she done that?) and it said Akemi Hamura.

A ham surrounded by fire sounded tasty but rather cruel when this ham was walking and talking.

Madoka looked around her classroom to see if anyone else thought that this was strange.

Nobody seemed to be put-off that this ham was talking.

It was going to be a long day.


	2. Flowers and Ham Don't Smell Great Together

"It should be good for one more use." Mami smiled. "I'll let you use it."

Out from the shadows stepped (hopped?) the transfer student. The tip of the Grief Seed was stuck on the top part of her body.

Sayaka scowled and Madoka squeezed Kyubey tighter.

Hamura shook her body and the Grief Seed fell. She pushed at it with her body and the seed rolled back to Mami.

"It was your kill and this is your reward," she said coolly. "I don't require your assistance."

"I see. That's your answer, then."

Madoka leaned in to Sayaka. "Hey, don't you think... that it's strange she's a ham?"

"What are you talking about?" Sayaka tilted her head.

"Never mind."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wondered why some of the girls were antagonistic to Homura and then I remembered they're all kids. Plus it is pretty annoying when someone is all mysterious for seemingly no reason.


	3. Ham can be sweet like candy

The Witch's barrier faded, but it was too much. Madoka's mind was a blank, her eyes burning with tears.

She was dimly aware of who saved them, but she couldn't get the image of Mami's body hanging limply from the Witch's mouth out of her mind. And the  _noise_... The cracking and crunching of bones, blood staining the candy floor...

Sayaka screamed hoarsely for the Seed to be given back. It belonged to Mami, Mami needed it, she was going to teach them -

"I cannot give this up. My life depends on it. I suggest that you two forget about the contract."

That was something Madoka could gladly accept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I read the manga first and frantically flipped the pages back and forth because I was convinced I had missed the part where Mami was brought back to life.


	4. Don't Poison the Ham

Well, everything seemed to be all right. Hitomi was saved, as were the other people present, the Witch was gone and Sayaka seemed to get the hang of being a heroine, even if it was her first time fighting.

As Sayaka explained herself, something stepped out of the shadows. There was a bucket on a ham and the ham was coated in cleaning chemicals.

Sayaka grinned at Hamura and said, "Aren't you a bit late, transfer student?"

"This isn't forgetting about the contracts."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like the witch Elly. I wonder what could have made her so lonely.


	5. The Smell of Rain

If the more experienced magical girl helped out a novice, then something like what happened to Mami would be lesser, right? Madoka had some sort of percentage in her head. Was she bad at math or was that just a dream she had?

"I don't like to tell lies," Hamura said. "And I don't make promises I can't keep. So you should forget about Miki Sayaka."

This was going nowhere fast. To keep the magical girl across from her anchored, or distracted enough to plead her case again, Madoka asked a question.

"Why are you a ham?"

"... That's classified."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When a character announces that they don't regret something risky and it's episode 5 of a 12 episode series you know something bad is gonna happen.
> 
>  
> 
> (And then you realize what Homura means by "I don't make promises I can't keep".)


	6. Please Don't Run over the Ham

The Soul Gem was flung far out into the road, landing on the back of a truck.

Hamura was quick, leaping to the truck and having some hope that another car won't run her over.

She jumped onto the back of the truck, almost thrown off when the truck swerved around a turn. She moved carefully and got the Soul Gem, knowing that the battle to reunite this with Miki Sayaka wasn't over yet.

"I should have wished for arms, too..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, in the PSP game, in one of the bad endings Sayaka loses her Soul Gem and slowly decomposes... And she meets Kyousuke and he freaks out and calls her a disgusting monster, which did not help his already low likability in the fandom. I can understand being freaked out, but really? Calling your childhood friend a disgusting monster and not even asking if she's okay? I know he's like 14 but still.


	7. so where do we go from here?

This whole month had been too much to handle. She had lost a mentor, and was in danger of losing her best friend.  
Hearing that Sayaka was too far gone was too much to bear.

"Why are you always so cold?" Madoka asked, her voice strained with tears. 

"Well, I'm not actually human, so..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was a weird little retcon in the manga because they drew Kyoko's sister as looking older than she actually is. They fixed it in the Different Story spin-off and made that backstory worse. And of course the PSP game...


	8. the time when kyubey got his

"Make me into a ma-"

Before she could finish, it felt as though the world had be violently pushed forward a second. In a blink of an eye, Kyubey was a mushy pile, only his crimson eyes and ringed ears identifiable.  
Hamura brushed against the bench to get the leftover body bits off and hopped to the ground.

Madoka couldn't shield her disgust. "That's horrible! You didn't have to crush him to death!"

"I have no regrets."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kyubey gets scary looking in the manga.


	9. do you ever look out at the ocean and wonder 'what if?'

Hamura had managed to break Madoka's fall with her body, but it begged the question of how to get her out of this Barrier.  
Especially since the most capable person had just trapped herself with the Witch of Miki Sayaka.

"You've gotta focus on the one thing that means the most to you and protect it to the end."

Hamura started pushing at Madoka to move her. It was working, painfully slowly.

"It's funny... that's what I thought I was doing all this time."

Hamura spun around and watched as Kyoko knelt, seemingly sacrificing herself.

"Wait, wait, Kyoko, help me out! Kyoko! I don't have arms!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whole reason I made this was because the idea of Homura as a ham yelling kept haunting me, wishing to be written or drawn.


	10. that feeling when you were a nerd, 100 timelines ago

Madoka had been excited when it was announced that a transfer student was coming to the school. It was an opportunity for a new friend and a distraction from the ever-increasing number of Witches.

But the thing was, the transfer student was a ham. She had written her name on the board, somehow, and it said Akemi Hamura. It was a cruel joke that her name had such a pun and the meaning of fire.

Madoka looked around the classroom to see if anybody else thought this was weird. Nobody seemed put-off by the shy ham.

Madoka sighed and smiled. Ham or not, this girl needed to be welcomed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gotta say, the reveal of Homura as she is really shocked me. I read the manga first, as it was lent to me during my Japanese class during break, and I kept talking at my friend like, "OHHH! OHHH! WHAT?! ARE YOU - SHE'S KNOWN MADOKA FOR A LONG TIME! AAAAAAAAA!".  
> I wish I could replicate that feeling or go back to it, 'cause wow.


	11. when you see the light at the end of the tunnel just keep running

No matter what, she just couldn't do it. No matter how much she went back in time or did things differently, she was doomed to fail.

And now...

"Hamura... I'm sorry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a sad little detail, in the fight in the manga Homura is attacked by phantoms of Mami, Sayaka and Kyoko.


	12. keep on running until you can't anymore

"I'll see you again one day, Hamura. So just until a little while until then, I'll say good-bye. And here is thanks for protecting me all those years."

Hamura tried to voice her objections but couldn't make a sound. Her body was changing.

When the universe made her fall back into the Earth, her whole body was sore. She pushed herself up and registered what had happened.

She was human, now, with a cool magical girl outfit on, too.

Now she could fully protect those around her.

For the first time, Hamura smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought about ending this with everyone else as hams but decided not to.  
> Thank you all for reading my weird little story.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a glorious typo my friend did once. There will be short glimpses into each episode.


End file.
